I found this piece of writing (below) as I was going through my documents on my computer today. God's Word says, "They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony." So often I am intimidated to share about Christ in my life because I did not have the perfect Christian life I intended to when I became a believer. I got very depressed. I questioned things. I didn't stay pure and unaffected by the world. But, I believe I need to share with others about my belief in Christ Jesus. Because, when I am unfaithful, He is faithful. Others need to know this, we all need to be reminded of it.
You’ve Always Been There
You were there Lord when I was born into this world.
You were there when I missed my Mom and Dad.
You were there at Bible camp when I felt your presence at the lake with the cross.
You were there every time I could barely breathe because of asthma.
You were there Lord when I was a lonely young adolescent unsure of anything.
You were there when I met three good friends at a new school.
You were there as I felt terrified of ever being close with anyone.
You were there as I met a young man who made me feel comfortable with others and with you.
You were there as I dedicated myself to serving you.
You were there as I fanatically pushed people away.
You were there as I found a few good friends.
You were there as I began to question everything.
You were there when I was unsure if I could trust you.
You were there when my heart felt empty and broken.
You were there putting me back together.
You were there giving me courage and showing me your way.
You were there as an old friend came back into my life.
You were there as I fell hopelessly in love.
You were there at the beginning of new life.
You were always there and of anything that I am sure of, it is that you will always be there, no matter what life brings.
I was raised in a pretty confusing situation. That's about all I will say about that, except to say that I had the opportunity to go and spend summers with my Grandparents in Texas. My Grandparents instilled faith, family values, and hope in my heart. They also initiated some of my greatest interests - from the interest in teaching my own children (my grandmother was a teacher and in retirement tutored children in reading), to sewing, to gardening, to playing the piano, to cooking. I have memories of being a child and being able to sense God's presence. One particularly important moment to me was being a Bible summer camp and sitting in front of this lake they had there, staring at the cross across the lake. I felt the Lord's presence and it made an impression on me.
But, as I became older, approaching the teen years, I felt more and more confused and hopeless. I had my ideas about God. I was very interested in God, but I didn't know how real He was. My husband now, then my penpal and friend, told me how real God was, that Jesus was God's Son, that He really died for my sins, and is really alive now. At first I reacted to this, but quickly became a believer.
Yet, through confusing situations with church and lack of grounding in Christ, my life continued to be confusing. I had good Biblical grounding. I hungered for God's Word and studied it. But, I was not grounded in healthy relationships. My friendships were few. And, I got very depressed and anxious. I took a lot of different medications, but everything seemed to make things worse. I was confused about God again, but I was In Him, I had faith in Him and a relationship with Him, but I didn't trust Him as I should have. About the time that I turned my heart back to Him and stopped blaming Him, is about the time that my depression leveled out. It didn't go away, I was still on plenty of medication, but it got better. I felt hopeful about life again.
About this time, my old friend entered my life again. His wife had left him. His dad was dying. We connected again and shared about life and faith, despite both of us being sorely disappointed in ourselves as Christians. Jon and I, we always were best friends. Obviously, we weren't best friends when he was married. But, we were so familiar to one another. As teenagers, we both would have wished to end up together, but felt the other one viewed them as simply a very good friend.
So, Jon and I got together and got married. And, now we have three children together, and he has his daughter from his previous marriage who is my step-daughter. We love each other truly, madly, and deeply. We struggle when we work too closely together (we both want to work independently, yet direct the other person's work) and we struggle when I'm pregnant (I get really emotional). But, I am no longer depressed or anxious, thanks in part to a man who loves me, thanks in part to finding a medication that seemed to work for me. I homeschool my three children, thanks in large part to my husband's encouragement of me to do so. We also feel like Jesus is able to shine through us to our children and to those around us. And, His grace is sufficient for us, for His power is made perfect in weakness.