I love my children. I'm so thankful God granted me the chance to have every single one. Once I didn't know if I would have children due to sever depression, anxiety, and a lack of vision in life. Yet, God in his mercy allowed my husband and I to get together in a second chance sort of way. The song "Broken Road" comes to mind.
When my oldest was born there was quite a scare. She had a bad cord incident and coming out had no breath and no pulse. My husband tells how the respiratory therapist hand pumped her for well over an hour until she perked up. At the time I was lying there hearing that my baby had no heart rate, as a huge team of people came in to rescue her little life. We did not know that she would make it. Here was this absolutely beautiful baby and I could not hold her, nor know how she was. I heard one of the medical personnel blurt out, "this boy has no heart rate". I asked then if she was a boy (since we were supposed to have a girl). My husband remembered later someone saying that and thought, "how rude?!" My good friend that was there, as I was sobbing and asking about my baby, told me, "no, she's a beautiful girl, she's going to be OK." And my friend got all her family praying for our little girl.
Hours past and they still had my daughter ventilated and wanted to move her to a NICU, since the hospital we were at did not have one. They said the hospital we needed to move her to didn't have a room for me. I protested, I had my husband and my friend protest. It came down to the doctor telling me they could release me and I could stay in a family room near the hospital, but that she didn't recommend it. In the end they transfered me. When the Pediatric ambulance arrived at our hospital they adjusted her ventilation and her oxygen numbers improved. Shortly after arriving at the NICU, they took her off ventilation and she improved again. That evening, I vividly remember the doctor coming in and telling me they just didn't know if she was out of the woods or if she'd have damage from being without oxygen for so long. In the end she was perfect. And she was my saving Grace...and that's her middle name...picked out ahead of time and everything. I think without her, I may have given up and given into depression and not had more children. I wanted children but depression and anxiety were such big problems in my life, it seemed unwise at the time to have children. She was an unexpected blessing in a tumultous time...a time when I certainly didn't do everything God's way, but He gave me Grace anyhow. His grace is always deep, isn't it?
Motherhood hasn't turned out just as I expected. One of the biggest, hardest things has been when health and development of my children hasn't happened in a way that I could control it. I've experienced that big time with my first two children. Right now, my oldest, seems perpetually sick. Really, it's not soooo much out of the expected. I mean she gets some allergies and has GERD. But the biggest thing is Cyclical Vomitting Syndrome, which the latest doctor has said she has outgrown and is now calling Migraines, because she has headaches with the vomitting every time now. It's hard to watch her suffer so. And often the headaches and vomitting will last up to a week and she'll lose weight and get thin. But, I think the worst, is her just feeling like time is stolen from her and not understanding why this is happening. I pray for her a lot. I really believe God wants me to have faith.